You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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