i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
