Buhtt sex?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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