I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
