We named our party play list daddy issues
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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