Your mouth is God's brothel.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I have fence marks all over my body
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
