Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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