Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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