Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Fuck appropriateness.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
