I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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