I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She bit a glass in half.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
