I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
