My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
