does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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