im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
