I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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