This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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