is your mom at the bar?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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