Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
