How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize