saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
