I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
