I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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