Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
