i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
