I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
