Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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