I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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