the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
two words...techno handjob
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
