so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
