Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize