The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
