I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
even my farts smell like vagina
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
