I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
