grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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