Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
