Cold hands, warm shart.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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