Have you finally orgasmed yet?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
