i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
