My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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