My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize