i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
