So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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