Jerry, you need to find god
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
is wine microwaveable?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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