I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Randomize
