All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
