So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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