I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
