I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
