Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
