the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
