I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
