the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize