It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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