Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
