you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
