I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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