The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
